


Letting go

by hudyjale



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, bit of fluff as always, post 2x10, tw ptsd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25191418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hudyjale/pseuds/hudyjale
Summary: Nearly two months had passed since the day of the accident and Jen seemed to be spiraling. Her nightmares were getting more frequent. The accident kept replaying in her head, always deviating from reality: sometimes the kids were in the car with them, sometimes she died, but the one that hunted her the most was the one where she lost Judy.
Relationships: Judy Hale & Jen Harding, Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 42
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This actually started as a one-shot with this prompt: "Judy calming Jen down when they have a bad dream." but as I started writing I thought that I could use it to explore what I'd like to see in season 3, mostly after the news of it being the last one.  
> The idea is to explore Jen's feelings about the accident and how she and Judy deal with PTSD, and of course, having these two idiots being canon because they're so in love it's ridiculous. 
> 
> I'd like to thank @realthicbitch and @bIanchedubois_ for beta reading this and helping me out :) 
> 
> I hope you like it!

_“You’re practically a hero! You’re definitely going to save somebody’s life.”_

_“Oh come on, let’s not get carried away. It’s just a stop sign.”_

_“Well, actually, I will get carried away if I wa-...”_

_x_

_Jen kept screaming her name, over and over, trying to get a response from the other woman. Her hands shakily caressed her beautiful face, now all covered in blood that seemed to be coming from a deep cut on her head._

_“Come on, Jude. Please wake up, baby.” She tried to move to find her phone, but she couldn’t, she was stuck in her seat, unable to do anything more than scream for help._

_Her vision was blurry and she felt like the whole world was spinning inside of her head. Despite that, she could distinguish a man’s silhouette walking towards the car. She screamed louder in efforts to get his attention._

_“Call a fucking ambulance. She’s really hurt,” she said as the man got closer to them._

_“I know she is,” he said as he stood next to the vehicle and opened the door on Judy’s side. “That was the idea, Jen.”_

_Her eyes focused on the man’s face as she started to distinguish his features. She felt her body tense as she realized that the man was Steve. Another rush of adrenaline kicked through her body as she tried to keep Judy safe from him. She wanted to move, to shelter her with her body and deny him access to her, but she couldn’t. She was helpless as she watched unbuckle the seatbelt from Judy’s frame and lift her limp body from the car seat._

_“Don’t you fucking touch her you piece of shit!” she shouted as she felt her throat closing making her feel breathless. “Leave her the fuck alone!”_

_He let out a laugh that made Jen feel nauseous. “I told her I would find her and fucking kill her.” He turned around with Judy in his arms and walked away from the scene, disappearing into the periphery of Jen’s view, leaving her alone screaming Judy’s name._

“Judy!” she cried out as she woke violently from the dream. She was covered in cold sweat, her breathing fast and shallow. She kept her eyes closed, too afraid that she'd open them and realize it wasn't a nightmare.

A warm hand came to rest on her back as Judy sat on their bed, moving closer to her. “Honey, I’m here.” She started to rub comforting circles in her back, setting the pace for Jen’s breathing to even out. “We’re home, we’re safe.” She lifted her free hand to cup Jen’s cheek and slowly motioned for her to turn her face towards her. “Open your eyes, sweetie. It’s over now.” 

Nearly two months had passed since the day of the accident and Jen seemed to be spiraling. Her nightmares were getting more frequent, and she had begun to have anxiety attacks during the day. The accident kept replaying in her head, always deviating from reality: sometimes the kids were in the car with them, sometimes she died, but the one that hunted her the most was the one where she lost Judy, where she was taken away from her. Perhaps it was her karma, if Judy was right and it actually existed, or perhaps it was just a fucking sick joke from the universe that had her trapped in a vicious circle of pain. Either way, it felt as if she could never be happy. 

Now, every night was the same. They would go upstairs, make their way through their nightly routine and go to bed. Jen would hold Judy close to her, the weight of her body on hers keeping her anchored to reality, Judy's breath on her neck relaxing her with each warm exhale hitting her skin. Judy would trace patterns over Jen’s abdomen ever so slowly as she talked. She always chose bright topics; art, food, animals, books, crystals, astrology, anything that would keep Jen from thinking about the accident. And they would manage to fall asleep in the comfort of each other’s embrace, but no matter how much they hoped for it to last, they knew that sometime during the night the nightmares would come for Jen. 

Jen opened her eyes to find bright brown eyes looking at her, full of love and compassion. 

“Hey.” Judy’s voice was soft and sweet, greeting her into reality once again. “See,” she gestured with her free hand over the bed, “it’s over, you’re home.” 

Jen could feel the rush of adrenaline subsiding, replaced by a wave of anguish and rage. “I’m so fucking tired, Jude,” she confessed as she let her body crumble into Judy’s. 

“I know you are, I know.” she said, rocking her slowly. 

It was exhausting; living in fear was making her so fucking tired. She couldn’t sleep for more than three hours at a time. She couldn’t relax, she couldn’t work or go for a run without her mind constantly playing _“what if”_ scenarios. But what was even more tiring was pretending that everything was fine. She was faking it for society, for her kids, even for Judy. She was determined to go on with her life, not wanting to give into her demons, but it was getting harder every day. 

“Jen, I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.” 

“I-I can’t.” 

“Why?” It wasn’t demanding or reproachful, it was sincere. Judy questioned her to better understand how to help her and make everything better. 

“Because I can’t,” she replied as she buried her head under brown curls, snuggling deeper into the hug. She couldn’t bear to face Judy at that moment, she couldn’t explain that letting her in would mean having to say out loud a lot of things that she wasn’t ready to pronounce, starting with how madly in love she was with her. 

“It’s okay.” Judy kissed the top of her head “Whenever you're ready.”

Jen hoped that one day maybe she would be. 

x

“Jen, you can’t keep going like this. You need help.” Christopher was standing in front of her as she sat on one of the sofas in the house they were showing that day. 

“Fuck you, I’m fine,” she retorted, avoiding his gaze. 

“No, you’re not _fine,_ Jeniffer. You just flipped a table at a seventy-year-old man.” 

“Well, it’s not my fault he was being a fucking jerk.” 

“The only jerk in that room was you.” He sat next to her, trying to grab her hand, but she just moved it away from his grasp. 

“I asked him to stop talking about it, okay? But for some stupid reason he thought I was interested in hearing all about his dumb vintage car collection.” 

“I love you, but you need help.” 

“I just need you to leave me the fuck alone.” Jen got up and stormed out of the house, leaving a frustrated Christopher calling after her. 

She drove a few blocks away from the house and parked on a random street she didn’t know quite well. She pressed play on her stereo, and as the hard metal tune started to blast on the speakers, she gave in to her feelings, sobbing uncontrollably.

x

Jen checked the time as she pulled up to the house. She was home two fucking hours early. She knew Judy would ask what had happened, not only because she was coming home so early but also because she could see right through her. There was no point in trying to lie to Judy. Even if she didn’t mention it, she knew when Jen tried to hide her pain under a fake smile. 

Jen made her way through the house, looking for Judy in the kitchen. She left her bag and blazer on the sofa, trying to ignore the way her heart beat faster when she didn’t see Judy in her usual place behind the counter, preparing things for dinner. _Calm down. She’s okay. It’s too early to be cooking. She’s okay._

As soon as she stepped outside to the backyard she could see Judy painting in her studio. After the accident she had been painting a lot more, exploring different techniques and designs. She had explained to Jen how she used art as a catharsis, and she had even encouraged her to try it. But after making up some lame excuse she declined. 

Jen knocked on the already open door as she entered the studio, making Judy turn around. Her face lit up when she saw Jen, sending a warm smile her way before turning back to the canvas she was working on. Her painting was bright and colorful, but a pitch-black circle placed at the center got Jen’s attention. She wondered if that was how Judy felt. 

She walked over to Judy and wrapped her arms around her waist, feeling more at ease as she felt the heat of Judy’s body on her skin. The comfort of holding her in her arms, making sure that she was there, that she was real. 

“Hey.” Judy let her free hand rest on her abdomen, on top of Jen’s “Bad day?”

“The shittiest.”

Judy turned her head, trying to get a look at Jen’s face, the height difference allowing her to catch a glimpse of Jen’s blue eyes. “Wanna talk about it?” 

“No.” She nuzzled her head into Judy’s hair, avoiding her gaze and taking in the flowery perfume mixed with the smell of paint. 

She felt Judy turning back to the painting, continuing her work, feeling the soft movement of her arms as she made the brushes dance over the canvas. Jen kept holding onto her as she worked. She thought about how intimate this was, not only because of the closeness of their bodies but more about Judy letting her in into something so private, so personal. Ted had never let her come into the studio whenever he was composing or the lame shit that he used to do in there. But Judy had always been open to share with her, to explain what she was working on, to ask her opinion on her works, and now to even let her stay while she created. 

Over the speaker _Will You Love Me Tomorrow_ by The Shirelles started playing, making Judy jump a little from the excitement. “Oh, I love this song,” she said as she started to hum the lyrics softly. 

_Tonight with words unspoken_

_You say that I'm the only one_

_But will my heart be broken_

_When the night meets the morning sun?_

Jen started swaying her body to the rhythm of the ‘60 song, making Judy move as well. She turned around inside Jen’s embrace, their faces inches away from each other. Her smile was radiant and Jen felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She kept leading, moving their bodies together, trying to find harmony in the movement, but Judy’s inability to follow the rhythm was making it hard to accomplish. Judy started to chuckle, aware of how untalented of a dancer she was. 

“Jude, you suck at dancing,” Jen teased as she kept up her efforts, the song almost coming to an end. 

“I know.” Judy admitted between chuckles, making Jen laugh as well. The sound of her laughs making her feel dizzy, like a drug. Jen found herself craving the sound the way one would crave a cigarette after a long day. 

They laughed together from a place deep inside of them, just as when they cried, the giggles loud and strong, releasing the tension and airing the wounds. 

Judy’s eyes fixed on Jen’s as she started to calm herself. She saw a glimpse of happiness in them, a glimpse of what Jen was like before everything happened. She wondered when was the last time she had been truly happy. She was sure it had been the day of the accident, right before it happened when she was at ease knowing their lives were getting back on track. But it didn’t, because of course it wouldn’t it only got fucked up again. 

She brought her hand up to cup Jen’s cheek, letting her thumb caress the soft skin. She wondered what would happen if she gave in and kissed her. Would it be that terrible? Would it be okay? Would it make Jen feel better? Would it make her run away? She wished she could just love her enough to make her feel happy again, but she knew that love wasn’t enough to fix what she was going through. 

“What?” Jen asked, not being able to hold Judy’s gaze anymore without splurting all her feelings out. 

“I think you should go to therapy.” 

“Oh, fuck Judy. We were having a nice time.” Jen parted from the embrace but remained standing close to her. 

“That’s why. You can’t keep living like this, you deserve happiness, not just a happy moment.” 

“I’m okay” Jen stated, wondering briefly if she said it enough it would become true.

“No, you’re not. PTSD is something serious.” 

“So what? Like you don’t have fucking problems?” She saw the hurt in Judy’s face but she kept going, pressing into the wounds of the other woman. “You think I didn’t notice how you fucking scratched the skin off your knees the first weeks after the accident?” She knew how to make it hurt, how to use her rage as a knife. 

“Don’t do that.” Judy pleaded, hurt. She took a step back. 

A wave of regret washed over Jen immediately after Judy’s reaction. Why did she always have to lash out at those who loved her most?  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she apologized, reaching for Judy’s hands. 

“It’s okay.” Judy said automatically like she always did when someone hurt her. 

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” Jen took a step forward, shortening the distance between them. 

“We shouldn’t waste our second chance, Jen. We keep getting chances in life.” 

“Yeah.” Jen snorted. “And they always get fucked up.”

“So what, do we give up? Do we give up on being happy, on the kids, on us?” Judy’s gaze was so intense Jen could feel it burning her skin, her voice soft but determined to prove her point. “I don’t want to give up, and I won’t give up on you.” 

Jen held to that _“us”_ that still buzzed in her head. Us; the promise of more, the promise of them. She wondered if she would ever be good enough to deserve it, to deserve that happiness, but she decided she would try. She would try to be better for Judy, for her family. 

“Ok. I’ll go.” Seeing Judy’s smile she knew that she had made the right choice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, thanks for the reviews on the first chapter. I hope you like this one. Also, I can believe it didn't take me two months to upload this, pretty sure I've never upload a fic this fast before.  
> Ok, I'll stop the rant. Hope you enjoy it!

One week had passed since Jen had agreed to go see a therapist. Judy had talked to Pastor Wayne to see if he could recommend them a professional. They had decided to give a chance to the only woman on the list he had given send them. 

Dr. Jones had her office just a few minutes away from their house, a fact that convinced Jen more to go there than Pastor Wayne's recommendation. 

The waiting room was empty, only Jen and the secretary sharing the small room. She focused on the beach view from the window trying to ignore her urge to get out of there when her phone vibrated in her pocket. 

_“Just checking in. Hope it goes well. ILY”_ Judy’s message made her feel more at ease, remembering her the reason why she had agreed to come in that day. 

“ _Me too. See you at home."_ Just as Jen finished typing the reply Dr. Jones came out of the office, calling her name.

“Mrs. Harding, please come in.” The doctor was almost as high as her, her brown skin highlighted by the deep blue of her dress and her curly hair up in a ponytail, revealing her face. 

Jen took a deep breath and got up from her seat, approaching the doctor. She shook her hand and followed her inside. 

The office was welcoming, with warm colors from the mix of the sunlight entering from the big window on the front and the earthy palette of the furniture. Two leather couches were placed in the middle of the room, facing each other with a small wooden table in the middle, a jar of water with a glass, a tissue box, and some white sheets and a pen on top of it.

“Welcome.” said the doctor kindly, motioning to the couch in front of hers. “You can take a sit.”

Jen sat and fixed her gaze on the doctor, her strong personality coming up. She wouldn’t be intimidated by the other woman or by the situation. She was strong enough to deal with this as she had dealt with way more difficult things in her life without getting nervous, or at least without showing it. 

“Jennifer, tell me what brought you here.” her voice was deep but soft, welcoming to speak.

“Judy, because apparently I need this.” she hadn’t meant it to come out as harsh as it had but that was how she sounded when her protective façade was on. 

“So, you don’t think you need to be here?" Jen noticed how the doctor wrote some things down on her notebook before fixing her eyes back on her. 

“No.” she hesitated “I don’t know, maybe. I’m fine” she used her more recurrent lie, even if she knew that nobody believed it, not even her. 

“Judy thinks that this may be good for you, why might she think that?” the doctor kept trying to get some information from her and Jen was sure she starting to hate her from all the questions. 

“Because we’ve been through a lot lately. ” She wondered how could she sum up a year in which her husband had been run over, she had become friends with the woman who hit him until she told her the truth, then she killed Judy’s ex-fiancé and used her to help her bury him in the woods after having him in a fridge on her fucking garage, and then confessed to the police to save her kid and Judy from jail but somehow managed to not go to fucking prison just to get hit by god-knew who. And on top of all of that, she had to deal with a mortgage, two kids, working with her shitty ex-mother-in-law and falling in love with her best friend. 

So yeah, she was sure that “ _a lot”_ was a good way to put it. 

“Do you mind telling me more about it?” 

“Well, we’ve been involved in a car accident. Someone hit us.” Jen could feel the cold creeping behind her neck and the hollow forming in her stomach at the mere thought of what had happened. 

“I see.” the doctor wrote the new information down before returning her attention to Jen. She waited for her to continue, but Jen remained silent, her eyes now fixed on her ring as she fidgeted with it. 

The silence filled the room as Jen tried to fight the urge of checking on Judy, sending her a message or a quick call, just to hear her voice. She couldn’t help feeling the need to reassure herself that Judy was safe every time she thought about the accident.

“Look.” the doctor leaned a bit forward on her seat, getting Jen’s attention back on her. “I know it’s hard, and I won’t push you, but for us to be able to make some progress you need to talk a bit more.”

“I know.” Jen inhaled sharply, pushing aside her attitude and allowing herself to open up a bit. “I’m just so tired.”

The doctor nodded at her encouragingly as she leaned back on the couch, opening her notebook again. 

“I can’t sleep, not much at least. I’ve been having nightmares since we got home from the hospital and it’s like living fucked up versions of it every night. The first time I had them I literally thought that I was dying, I was shaking and I couldn’t breathe and- ” she paused as the memory became vivid in her mind. 

_“Jen. Jen, honey, breathe. Come on sweetie, breathe with me.” Judy placed her hands on Jen’s shoulders, trying to stop the violent shakes of her sobbing body._

_Her breathing was fast, gasping for air that never seemed to reach her lungs. She wondered if that was how dying felt._

_Judy’s words were almost indistinguishable from the loud pounding of her heartbeats. Jen dug her fingers on Judy’s arms, holding onto them as if they were her lifeline, the only thing keeping her from falling into the void._

_“It’s okay, it’s over now. You’re okay, I’ve got you.” the soft words Judy was saying were claiming her down, helping her come out of the crisis._

_“I saw you - I saw you dead on the car” Jen managed to explain between the tears._

_“Oh, honey.” Judy pressed the other woman softly onto her body, embracing her. She let her feel that she was indeed there with her, before pulling back a bit to look at her eyes, the abysm of anxiety still evident in them. “I’m okay, I’m with you. I won’t ever leave you, I swear.”_

_That night Judy held her until Jen’s body was too exhausted from crying and gave into sleep once again. Jen didn’t know it, but Judy had kept holding her in her arms all night, rocking her and whispering reassuring words trying to prevent another nightmare._

“What helped you get out of it?” The doctor asked realizing that Jen was replaying the moment in her mind. 

“Judy. She always does.” the tears forming in Jen’s eyes were threatening to fall, the reminiscence of that night mixed with the thought of Judy always being there to hold her was forming a wave of emotions that threaten her composure.

“I get she’s an important part of your life." Dr. Jones stated the obvious, hoping Jen would explain a bit more Judy’s role in her life. 

“She is. She’s my person, I’d do anything for her.” Jen’s words came out fast, without hesitation. 

“I see.” The doctor closed her notebook and placed it on top of the table. “Time’s almost up, but I’d like you to give you something to take home.” 

She stood up and walked over the library behind her. She took a small booklet and handed it to Jen before returning to her seat. On the front, it read: _“PTSD: dealing with nightmares”_

“Don’t get scared by the title. I know it can be brusque hearing about PTSD, but that’s just a name for the situation you’re living. It doesn’t determine who you are or what you should expect from now on." The doctor reassured her, hoping Jen would understand that those words didn’t define her. 

“It has useful information for you to understand better the causes and some guidelines and resources for the patient and the family to deal better with this situation. I think it would be good if you share it with Judy since she’s the one that’s always with you.” 

Jen nodded as she flicked through the few pages. The fact that there were no fake-happy pictures or lousy self-help quotes made her feel more comfortable with the idea of reading it. 

“Do you have any questions?” The doctor asked as she stood up, Jen mimicking her movement.

“No, I don’t think so.” 

“Okay, I'll see you next week. And if you come up with any questions or doubts feel free to call me.”

  
  


Jen got out of the building and walked to her car, parked nearby. As she got inside, she pressed play on the stereo and hard metal begun to play. She disconnected her phone from the audio and switched to a random radio station. Maybe therapy didn't suck as much as she thought. 

x

As Jen got out of the car she could distinguish Judy and Henry's voices coming from the kitchen. Judy seemed to be explaining something to the little boy.

“...so the flower can turn during the day to always be facing the sun.” 

“What’s the word again?” Henry asked Judy, after a bad attempt to repeat it. 

“Heliotropism. And then, when the flower is old it doesn’t move anymore and stays facing the east” 

Jen entered the scene, making Henry turn his attention to her at the sound of her heels approaching. 

"Mom!" He exclaimed, getting down from the kitchen stool a running toward his mother as she opened the garage door that led to the kitchen. 

"Hey, boop" Jen run her hand over his hair, as he wrapped his little arms around her waist. "Finishing homework?" She asked pointing to the open books on the counter. 

"Nope, that's already done. Judy was telling me all about sunflowers.” He took her hand dragging her to the spot where he was sitting, just to get back to the flower’s fun fact rant. 

"Were you?" Jen said to Judy as she approached her side. She was standing on the other side of the counter, cutting some fruit, arranging a snack for Henry and her. Jen placed her hand on the hollow of Judy’s back, the intimate contact coming naturally for them now. 

“You're full of surprises.” 

"Like you wouldn't know." A silly grin plastered on Judy's face as she lifted her eyes from the cutting board, meeting Jen’s blue ones. "How did it go?" she asked, her tone deeper this time.

"It didn't suck I guess." Jen shrugged, not knowing well how to describe how she had felt during the session. 

Judy's smile seemed to get brighter if that was even possible. She stood on her tiptoes to reach Jen's ear, the height difference pronounced by her lack of shoes. 

"I'm proud of you." She resisted the urge to plant a kiss on Jen's jawline as she distanced her face. 

Jen thought she would pass out from the effect of the electricity of Judy's warm breath on her neck and the softness of her words mixed together. It felt intoxicating, addicting. 

Henry's voice made her snap out of the feeling, as he flashed his tablet on their faces, a video of sunflowers moving to face the sun playing on it.

"Look, Judy was right about heliotropism. That's so cool!" 

"Told 'ya buddy." Judy winked at the kid as she ate one of the remaining uncut strawberries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry it took me so long to upload this. I have the story lined up but I was having some trouble actually putting into words my idea for this chapter. I hope you like it, is not as angsty as the others, I wanted to give them a little break but of course, there's crying because this is Jen and Judy we are talking anyway. 
> 
> Oh, and also sorry if you find any mistakes it's not beta-read and I already read it like 50 times this month so I kinda don't want to read it again for a long time hehe. 
> 
> Ok, that's all. I hope you like it.

Jen was sitting on the outdoor couch as she played with the booklet in her hands. She wanted to start reading it but for some reason she couldn’t quite grasp she hadn’t been able to do so. Perhaps reading it was giving entity to its title, accepting it as her diagnosis. She always had had the idea of PTSD being a living hell. Was she that broken? 

“Hey.” Judy brushed Jen’s back as she passed next to her. She placed two wine glasses on the table, not the usual full bottle. 

“Hey.” Jen replied as Judy sat on the couch, taking a blanket and placing it over their legs. 

“Do you wanna watch a movie or do you prefer reading?” She motioned to the small book in Jen’s hands. 

“The therapist gave it to me, she said I should read it with you.” Jen hesitated before continuing “But I can’t do it.” 

“It’s okay. You can read it by yourself and share it with me when you feel ready.” Judy motioned to get up from the couch, giving Jen space to do her chore, but a hand on her arm stopped her. 

“No, no. That’s not what I meant.” Jen paused, as she gathered the confidence to confess the reason behind her words. “I can’t bring myself to open it.” She lowered her head, hiding her emerging tears from Judy. 

“Am I this fucked up?” Jen whispered, throwing her hands to the air, hurt and anger evident in her movement. 

“Oh, Jen.” Judy felt how her own heart broke with that question. “You're not fucked up. You are strong and brave. You're the most amazing person I've ever met.” She cupped Jen's face, her thumb whipping a shy tear falling down her cheek. 

“You are a survivor.” Judy leaned in, placing a kiss on Jen’s forehead, allowing her lips to linger on the spot a few more seconds. She parted a little to take a look into Jen’s blue eyes. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Jen wished she was strong enough to tell her just how much she loved her, tell her she was in love with her. But she couldn't bear the idea of having another thing in her life getting fucked up. She couldn't risk losing Judy, even if the brightness in her eyes showed that perhaps she wasn't alone in her feelings. 

"Can I?" Judy placed her hand on the booklet, her fingers brushing Jen's at the touch. Jen just nodded, handing it to her. 

Judy cleared her throat and started reading. Her voice was slow and sweet, her eyes locking with Jen's every few seconds as if trying to soften each word she pronounced. 

"Come here," Jen whispered as Judy paused to flick the page. She opened her arms and Judy snuggled into her immediately. She rested her head on Jen's chest and her free hand clung to the arm crossed over her frame as she carried on reading. 

That night Jen had a nightmare as usual, but this time it wasn’t as terrible as most nights. She pictured the kids in the car with them. Sure, It was scary but in the dream everybody was safe, and it didn't generate a wave of anguish lashing out on her.  
When she woke up crying Judy was next to her, as always. And as she heard her saying that they were okay she allowed herself to believe it for the first time. She knew it was going to take time, but they would make it there. 

x

As the morning sunbeams entered through the window, Jen started to wake up. The first feeling of the day was Judy's cold feet tangled between her legs, searching for heat. Jen felt the grip on her waist tighten as she moved slightly. 

"Morning." She said into the silence of their bedroom, her voice still deep with sleep. 

"G'morning." Judy replied, her words whispered too close to Jen's ear, eliciting a warm feeling in Jen's core. 

Jen turned around in the embrace to face Judy. She was greeted by a sleepy smile, brown eyes barely opened. She tucked a brunette curl behind Judy’s ear to distract herself from the urge to kiss the woman laying in front of her.  
“What’s on your mind?” Judy pushed Jen’s shoulder as softly as she could, motioning for her to lie on her back. As soon as Jen shifted in bed, Judy snuggled into her side, placing her head on top of Jen’s chest, her heartbeats pounding under her ear. 

“Nothing.” Jen lied. How could she explain she was thinking about how Judy’s lips would feel against hers?. She decided to go with the second thought on her mind that morning. “Would you like to do something with the kids today? We could go somewhere all together, as a family.” 

“As a family” Judy repeated the words under her breath, soft enough so Jen wouldn’t hear her. The idea of finally having a family she loved with all her heart and loved her back still made her emotional.

“I’d love that,” she said, louder this time. “What would you like to do?” She turned her head upwards, trying to catch Jen’s eyes. 

“I don’t know, we could go to the beach maybe?” 

“Yes! We should go make breakfast so when the boys are up we can get prepare and go.” Judy exclaimed, too excited with the idea. She started to untangle her body from Jen’s, sitting on the bed ready to get up, but a hand on her arm stopped her. 

“Judyyy” Jen groaned “It’s Saturday, can’t we get at least five more minutes?” 

“Ok, but just five. I’m making pancakes and the batter takes time to be perfect.”

x

.At breakfast they shared the idea with Henry and Charlie, the youngest one was just as excited as Judy and the other boy just agreed to the idea, which Jen took as her little victory for the day. Charlie would have usually invented some lame excuse to avoid the plan but after the accident, he seemed more fond to spend time with his family and his douchy attitude was being left aside. 

They had settled to go to San Clemente, attracted by the idea of a less crowded beach than the ones at home and the fact that it was just a 20 minutes drive. So after Jen and the boys gathered the things they needed for the day, and Judy prepared some quick lunch to take, they were ready to go. 

“Come on, boys! We don’t have all day.” Jen shouted from the entrance door up to the stairs, evidently not amused by the time her kids were taking to come down. 

“You know we actually do, right?” Judy said as she passed by Jen, heading towards the car, her hands full of bags and beach supplies. 

“Ha. Ha.” Jen shot a smirk to her, before softening her expression again. “You want some help with that?” She gestured to her hands, moving forward to grab some of the things Judy was holding. 

“No, it’s okay. I’ve got it.” 

As Jen turned around from watching Judy made her way to the car, her exposed legs catching her attention for longer than appropriate, she saw Henry and Charlie making their way down the stairs. 

“Finally!” She exclaimed, throwing her hands to the air. 

“Hey, don’t blame me! Not my fault Henry couldn’t decide which swimsuit he likes better.” 

Jen shook her head, letting out a sight. “Let’s go.” 

x

The day was going on smoothly. Now, after having lunch, the afternoon was calmer. The excitement of the day had worn off and was replaced by relaxing ease. Charlie was gone to take a walk along the beach, and Henry had fallen asleep snuggled near Judy shortly after eating.

It had been the perfect moment for Jen to go back into the water. She wouldn’t say it out loud but after so many years of living in California, she had come to love the beach, and mostly the sea. It was one of the few places where she felt free, the sounds of the waves acted like a mantra on her, clearing her mind. 

Judy allowed herself to contemplate her from far. Jen was beautiful, she was breathtaking. She knew that from the first time she’d lay eyes on her at the grief support group. But over time Judy had come up with her own favorite things about Jen, apart from what was obvious to everybody. The freckles on her shoulders, the way her cheeks blushed when she smiled, the small scar on her eyebrow, the sound of her voice early in the morning. 

She still couldn’t understand how had she gotten so lucky. Surely the road hadn't been easy, being involved in a hit and run and manslaughter wasn’t something that most people would be grateful about but it had been destiny’s way of bringing her and Jen together. It was strange and layered, and even plain fucked up, but it was how they had found each other, and she would always be glad of that. 

Judy was too lost in her thoughts to hear Charlie talking next to her. 

“Judy?” He touched her arm, making her jump a little at the unexpected touch.

"Hey Char, I didn’t realize you were back. Sorry." 

“Yeah, I figured.” Charlie gave her a knowing look, he knew well the reason for the smile in Judy’s face. 

The accident had brought Judy and Charlie closer. He still remembered founding Judy in the hospital hallway, doubled over crying. Her face was red, and her eyes puffy but at soon as she saw them she had tried to put a smile on her face. The pain and fear were evident in her eyes even though she was saying that everything would be alright. Charlie could also remember her not leaving Jen’s side, Judy would go home, make them dinner, put Henry to bed, and go back to the hospital to be with Jen. That’s when Charlie understood the nature of their relationship. It was love, pure love. He had never seen somebody care about his mother as much as Judy did, not even his father. 

“Thanks.” Charlie shrugged as he sat down on the sand next to Judy.

"For what?" she asked, puzzled by his words. 

"I don't know, for everything I guess. I don't think that I ever thank you for taking care of us while mom was at the hospital and taking care of her. And like for everything really."

Judy was struck by what he had said. She had never done it with the intention of being thanked for it, she had done it out of love, but Charlie's words seemed to fill one of the many voids in her heart. 

"There's nothing to thank Char. You guys are my family and I love you." 

"Well, I think there is, it wasn't always like that for us." The compassionate look in Judy's eyes mixed with her tears made it easier for the kid to open up. "You know, when mom had her surgery dad wasn't with her like you were. She didn't have anyone looking after her."

He focused her eyes on his mother, standing in the water far from them. She looked carefree, relaxed, happy. And Charlie surely tried to play it cool and cold but down that facade of a tough teenager, he cared about his mother, how could he not? He may act like an asshole sometimes, but he’s not one. 

"But now she does. I guess I just want to say that I’m glad that you’re here and that you guys found each other or whatever.”

"I'm glad that you feel that way. And I'm so grateful for you letting me be part of your life. I love you guys." Judy couldn't hold back the tears anymore and she started crying, all her emotions combusting together inside her chest. 

Charlie awkwardly opened his arms, inviting Judy for a hug. When Judy returned the embrace and he was near enough her ear he whispered. 

"You know she loves you back, right?"

Judy’s eyes widened at the words and she parted from the embrace to take a look at Charlie's face. She thought that he might be joking, but he was serious. 

"What?" 

"Wait, you actually didn't know?" Now the confused one was him. 

"We do love each other but it's... different. We're just good friends." 

He shot a glance at her, his facial expression suddenly too similar to his mom's. He couldn't understand how those two women weren't able to see what was evident to every other person in the world. He knew he would have to say it as if he was talking to a child

“Judy, she's like in love with you. I’ve never seen her act like how she does when she’s with you, not even with dad. It's like what you told me that day in the car about liking somebody, she acts that way with you. She gets all soft and puts that face on, it’s gross.” The last part coming out with such a disgusted tone that made Judy let out a giggle. 

“Just don’t hurt her. She’s been through a lot already.”

Judy placed her hand on Charlie’s knee giving it a squeeze. “I won’t. I promise.”

“Can I give you another hug?” she asked the boy in front of her. He looked so mature, he had grown too much in such a short time and Judy couldn’t be prouder of him. 

“Okay, but don’t make it awkward.” 

x

"You know she loves you back, right? She's like in love with you"

Charlie’s words still resonated in her head. Judy had kept inside so long her undying love for Jen, a burden that would tear her insides every time she wanted to touch her, to kiss her, but had to hold back. She had told herself that she would hold back, she would love in silence because there was no way that Jen loved her back, not like that. 

And she had managed to, she had learned to live with that weight in her heart, knowing that that pain would hurt less than losing Jen. But now, if Charlie was right, she had a chance. Maybe those lingering gazes, the unnecessary touches, the cuddles, and hugs meant more. 

“Please remind me not to let Henry take a fucking nap until he's like fifteen. It took me a full hour for him to finally fall asleep.” 

Jen sat by the pool next to Judy. The only thing between them their usual wine bottle and two glasses. She grabbed the bottle and filled them, handing one to Judy, who smiled at her a silent thank you. 

"It was good today." Jen wiggled her feet in the water, brushing Judy's with the movement. "It's been long since we'd had a day like that." 

"Yeah." Judy pursed her lips together, a sad smile in her face.

"I wish it could always be like that.” Jen lifted her gaze from the pool to Judy’s face. Her brown eyes shimmering in the blue light coming from the pool. “Like this.” She motioned with her hand between the two of them, referring silently to the comfort of being together. “Easy. you know?” 

She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes, she didn’t want to cry, she was exhausted from it, but the simplicity of a happy day with her family was a feeling that she had forgotten she could feel. 

“I know.” Judy scooted closer to Jen, their bodies now touching. She grabbed Jen’s hand in hers, caressing it with her thumb. “I can’t promise you that because life is fucked up, but I can promise you that’ll try to make every day like this one. I’ll try every day to make you happy.” 

If hearts could burst from love Jen was sure that hers would have exploded in that exact moment. She lifted her free hand to caress Judy's cheek, and she pressed her face deeper into her touch, closing her eyes. 

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t ever say that again.” Judy opened her eyes and sat straight, moving from Jen's touch. “I love you.” Her voice was soft but strong as if reprimanding her. 

“Why? You deserve someone who can make you happy, not someone that you have to hold each fucking night while they have a panic attack.” The tears that were threatening to fall just a minute before were now making their way freely down Jen's face. “I’m fucked up, Judy.” 

Judy could see the sadness in Jen's eyes, the mirror of her wounded heart. She placed her hands on Jen’s shoulders, moving them hands up and down comforting her. 

“No honey, you’re not. You’ve been through so much, but you are still here because you are strong. You are just a little broken and that’s okay, we both are, but we can fix each other.”

“Jude.” Jen swallowed her last tears, gathering her composure to speak. She needed Judy to understand her, to understand what her words meant without her saying it. “Would you wait for me?” 

And Judy nodded because she understood what Jen wanted to say. It was a promise of more, an unspoken commitment of them in another light, brighter, clearer. So of course, she nodded because she would wait for Jen to be ready her whole life if it was necessary. 

Judy closed the short distance between them, placing a soft, lingering kiss on Jen's cheek, saying more with it than with a million words. 

"Whenever you’re ready." She whispered before wrapping her arms around Jen's waist, holding her as close as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that's it. If you guys would like to tell me what you think or have any suggestions I'd love to read it.  
> Thanks for reading. And if you are interested you can follow me on twitter where I cry over Jen and Judy lol, it's @hudyjale :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have any reviews or tips that you'd like to give me I'd be glad to read it.  
> I hope to upload the next chapter soon, I kinda have the story lined up in my mind and on notes but I have to write it, so wish me luck with that!


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